The Diary

I found an old diary of mine--one I started when Dan was still alive:

2/2/00

How is it possible that he could lie to me again? The only reason I *ever* agreed to do acid again was because E had some extras. Of course I have to find out later that he didn't have enough and Dan had to call B to get more. I wish C (B's wife) had never come back in my life. I hate her husband and I hold him responsible for Dan's behavior. Dan never felt he had to lie to me before he started hanging out with B.

I don't know how to trust Dan again. I'm so scared. All I ever wanted was to fall in love, get married and live happily ever after. No one ever told me that in between falling in love and getting married was this huge void of hell. I have to trust Dan. I don't have a choice. I hate feeling the way that I feel. I hate picking dumb fights for no reason. I hate wanting to leave this relationship because I'm scared of what's out there or more importantly, what's not out there. What if I never find anyone like Dan? What if he truly is my soulmate and I let him go? What if I can no longer take care of myself? I can't go running back to daddy.

It's funny to look back at my diary and see how completely co-dependent I was. The reality is that every fear I had came true. There was nothing I could have done to prepare myself for it.

Needless to say, I've done far more than just survive.